looking back, then going forward

i took the train back to you
out
where the subway slices sky like a silver comet clicking on a tar rail
out
where we talk all night and watch the sun come up over manhattan-

you are new, but still play jazz

and i told you how:
yes, i am stepping forward into a new self
but there are claw marks in her from the old one

the old self is what brought me to you, howling, against the sky like the jmz line, express to all the old memories
i don't want to let go of
she is the one you knew
she sifted through your new apartment for old remnants while your back was turned

there are no relics
i became a hummingbird in your bedroom

because
now
before i open my heart
i have to
ground down and through:

i've learned how to grow
steady
from the bottom-up